Guilt And Regret Over Having Tied Tubes

Tubal Reversal surgery offers a chance for women who have changed their minds and desire more children after having their tubes tied. The message board at Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center offers women a place to share their feelings and receive support from others who are experiencing feelings of regret or guilt over their decision to have their tubes tied. Fortunately, Dr. Gary Berger and Dr. Charles Monteith offer a low-cost, outpatient procedure that has given thousands of women the chance to restore their fertility and have more children as well as help in finding relief from unpleasant symptoms developed after undergoing tubal ligation.

This is topic Guilt and regret after tubal ligation in forum After Tubal Reversal at Tubal Reversal Message Board.

Posted by Dr. Monteith (Member # 11996) on September 24, 2008 09:21 AM:
Our new blog discusses common reasons patients have shared with us as to why they have regretted their tubal ligation: Guilt or regret after tubes tied Please share your story on the message board if you have had such an experience.

Posted by MyAngel112706 (Member # 12279) on September 24, 2008 10:58 AM:
I very much regret My TL. Nine short months after my TL my DD so sadly passed away. We were devastated. I thought when I had the TL done I was making the right decision because my family was complete because I had my 2 boys and now my little girl. I regret that decision now more than anything but I have corrected that decision with my TR in march of this year. I have not had a BFP as of yet but I have time, I am only 30. I feel it will happen when my mind and my body is ready. Thanks so much.

Posted by Brandon, ST (Member # 9908) on September 24, 2008 10:59 AM:
This should be a very interesting thread. I would be interested to see how many people have come to their decision of having a tubal ligation reversal.
Brandon,ST

Posted by Flutist29 (Member # 12785) on September 24, 2008 11:29 AM:
I strongly regret having my TL. At the time, I experienced a troublesome pregnancy and my OB at that time, scared me into having more children. I don't know why I listened to her, but I did. Now 3.5 years later, I am scheduled for my reversal on 10/8/08. I am looking forward to having 'normal' cycles again and praying that if it is God's will, we will get pregnant again.

Posted by MOMZILLA (Member # 12256) on September 24, 2008 11:39 AM:
If I had to do it all over again I would never have the TL. I could have saved myself 3 years of PTLS misery, angst, doctor visits and the near collapse of my marriage....I am so grateful the the TR has resolved all my symptoms and given me my life back..I tell everyone who mentions it not to have a TL or to give it serious consideration (understanding the potential physical complications before they do it). Tracy

Posted by albmdb (Member # 12062) on September 24, 2008 11:44 AM:
I had tl in 12/98 after the birth of my son. No problems durning preg, however my husband then was very abusive, mental,physical,emotional. I really wanted more kids later on but not with him, so i had tl. yes i really regreted but i always thought i would never be able to get away from him so that is why i had tl done, before my son turn 1year old he left me for a much younger girl, she was 18 and i was 21 with 2 kids, she had none. that was my chance to move away, i did and got my life changed and met the man of my dreams, he had no kids and always treated my kids as his own. we dated 3 years and then i finally married him in 2003. I am so happy and so are my children, my children have not seen there real father and they dont care too. They are only 9 and 12. So now i have tr and we are trying for a baby and my children are so happy, they both said they cant wait to be the big brother/sister.We also talked to them before we had the tr done and they was please to know mom could have a new baby some day.
My tr was 4/7/08 and no bfp yet and my cycles have been way off, around 38 to 40 days.
SO yes i really regreted doing tl.

Posted by HisWill (Member # 12511) on September 24, 2008 12:00 PM:
What is interesting to me, is that often the association between guilt and symptoms is used to explain physiological symptoms following TL. When I first began having bad symptoms, very soon after TL, I didn't even regret the decision yet. I was convinced it was "for the best". My symptoms went on for months and months, until I began praying and crying about what I had done... So, my question (and I've answered this for myself on a personal/spiritual level) was did the symptoms CAUSE me to begin to realize and regret what I had done, since they came first? My TL was necessary to change my heart to understand what God had given me, and that what I had done (for me and my family) was wrong! I decided on the TL absent of my faith in God, and against my husband and doc's recommendations! So, once I realized what I had done, and that it would cost my family 7k for a trip to repair it, it hit me very hard. I'm thankful I had the TL because through it, I learned that large families, and children in general are the tool that God is using in me to mold me to what He wants me to be...had I not had it, I would be pregnant another time or two, and maybe I would view these additional children as blessings but burdensome, since my heart needed the change in many ways to ensure that my faith was complete. **Oh, and to touch on the blog, no pastor told me that my TL was "against God's will". This was something very personal between me, God and my husband. No pastor is in our bedroom-only Christ dwells there. I'm not religious, so it isn't about "rules" of do's and dont's. I'm saved by Christ, so for me, it was about the Holy Spirit working in a way to change my heart about this particular subject, just as He has in other ways-no rules. I don't believe you have to have lots of kids to be a Christian! If we never had another, I know my heart and so does God..this is a personal heart change of faith.** Blessings, Andrea

Posted by Jennifer K. (Member # 7884) on September 24, 2008 12:14 PM:
I may be unique in that I don't regret having my TL. At the time it was the right decision for me and I had no way of knowing how my life would change. I am grateful that I found CH and Dr. Berger who was able to give me what I needed when it came to the TR. I now have a beautiful daughter and I know that everything that came before, including my TL and TR, was so I could eventually have her in my life. Jenn

Posted by HisWill (Member # 12511) on September 24, 2008 12:20 PM:
I love your perspective JenniferK! That's exactly how I feel. Of course, I do wish I would have fully considered it with prayer before hand...but I do believe we must often go through bad things to open our eyes or to end up where we need to be!God Bless and congrats on having the baby you so wanted! Andrea

Posted by RebeccaJ (Member # 12216) on September 24, 2008 12:26 PM:
I had my tl right after my dd was born nearly 13 years ago. I didn't regret it at first, but within a year and our situation changed, then I regretted it.
We had the tl for financial reasons and very selfish reasons on my part. I smoked and could not take birth control and I was not aware of other methods, (shot etc.) until after the fact. (I have quit smoking since this time) I was also pressured by my mother and husband who informed me that four was enough.
In addition, I had lost a baby just prior to conceiving my dd. My husband was worried something would happen to me.
The sad part was, I was only 32 years old. I am now 45, had my tr this past July. If God blesses us then we are open to a blessing, if our time came and went then at least I will be relieved of my post ligation symptoms. I watched my sister get her tubal a few months after I had my daughter, (she had to have an emergency c-section and they let me go in with her). If you ever see this, you would never get a tl. God Bless Rebecca
TR 07/28/08

Posted by Amy1234 (Member # 5192) on September 24, 2008 01:02 PM:
Mine was a divorce and remarriage to a man with no children that got me searching the net. We have one together and are ttc #2, then I will have another tl. I am so glad we had tr as an option to allow us to complete our family together. Amy
TR Baby 5/31/07
TR #2...hopefully soon

Posted by in-Gods-hands (Member # 11795) on September 24, 2008 02:00 PM:
I had regret not long after because my body started acting up.I wanted something done before I even meet my now husband.My TL was done when I had a c-section with my last child.At the time and being with my first husband having no more children was the right thing. If I had not felt so bad I would not have thought about a TR. I am now remarried to a great man with no children of his own. But I will tell any that even if I never get blessed with another child, doing away with PTLS was wroth it all to me. I feel like myself again and my DH loves it because we get out more and have fun now. Before I felt to bad through out my cycle to where I did not even want to leave the house. Miranda

Posted by Flutist29 (Member # 12785) on September 24, 2008 02:09 PM:
I agree with the PTLS! My experience has been horrible since my TL. My poor DH has had to see me be in pain and deal with ME during it all for the last 3.5 years. I'm looking forward to relief myself. Getting pregnant is a desire, but we are turning that over to God.

Posted by Tanya from VA (Member # 9507) on September 24, 2008 02:44 PM:
My situation is a bit different than many here, but similar as well. I had my TL in 2000 after the birth of my second child. My dh and I were both working-full time outside the home, and finances were as crunched as they can be. We had one of each, and we were saving for our first single-family home. Neither of us liked birth control much - as married people we just found it tedious and unnecessary so we opted for the TL. We never could have forseen the time when finances changed, and original desire I had for three children would be become within our means both financially and being able to be at home full-time. I had moments of deep regret but mostly because other circumstances made our decision vs. us making it because we were complete. I didn't have daily regrets, I was not emotionally wrecked - just a longing and the occasional ache for something that I knew couldn't be. When I found CH - it was a dream come true. I'd never even heard of having it reversed! I couldn't get there fast enough. It didn't take long, and we were in CH getting it done. And while we had some ups and downs (one chemical, one loss at 10 weeks) we eventually welcomed our first TR baby in May 08. During the pg we had many long honest conversations about after and all the factors: the long emotional journey ttc, our ages, the age differences in our children - we agreed our family was going to be complete. There were some medical concerns but those aside - I would have re-ligated my tubes anyway. I'm 37 next month, I have three children and my life is very full. I know my limitations, and with the tools we have - we can raise these three within our means, still save, still enjoy our lives and give our children as much as we can. I have no regrets NOW, but I've never experienced PTLS or any other physical issues. After my first ligation I would get teary on occasion watching A Baby Story or seeing a pregnant lady, now I'm so over baby stuff it's a 180 change. Like everyone - I'm eternally grateful to CH for helping us have another child and completing our family. But I always expected to have my tubes re-tied - and have no regret at all. BFP's to all!

Posted by Kathy, ST (Member # 8285) on September 25, 2008 08:03 AM:
The expression of emotion from each of these stories creates a great support system for those women with this shared experience, whether it be tubal ligation, tubal reversal or both.
Kathy

Posted by in-Gods-hands (Member # 11795) on September 25, 2008 08:19 AM:
Flutist29 I know what you mean. I saw your big day is October the 8th. That is my birthday. I will truly be thinking of you on that day and saying prayers for you. I wish you all the best. It is funny too that we both live in NC. Tanya from VA your story is a great one that reminds us we never know how things will go. I wish you all the best. Miranda
ME-27
DH-22
DS-8
DD-4
TR-3/24/08

Posted by Eric'sGirl (Member # 10652) on September 25, 2008 10:31 AM:
Jennifer K... kudos to you for such a positive spin on the situation. Mine - a story that has been and will be told (UNFORTUNATELY) time and time again. A bad, abusive relationship... two babies back to back (blessed with a girl and a boy) and knowing I was leaving "some day" - couldn't risk another pregnancy. Dr. was going to do clips because I was so young. I said he had to do the "traditional" cut and burn... or I would catch hell at home for having something "removable." It could only mean I was planning to leave and start over again someday. TL Dr. went above and beyond the call of duty on that one! But Dr. B to the rescue! He pulled off some fancy work in there! No regrets, NOW! Through it all, I have meet some of the most amazing people: a doctor and a staff unparalleled any where on this planet, an amazing support group of women I will never meet and my October '07 girls... some of the best friends a girl could want. So, Jennifer K, I have come to your way of thinking. It all happens for a reason. One year TR anniversary is coming up... still no Berger Baby - yet, my life has been blessed one thousand times over by this whole journey! Thank you CHTRC staff! Chrissy

Posted by justnotme (Member # 12842) on September 25, 2008 11:11 AM:

I also now regret having a TL. I had mine 18 months ago after the birth of my 2nd child. We were blessed with a DS and DD and felt that no matter what anyways 2 children were enough for me. I had the TL because I as well did not want to have to deal with BC pills etc and figured I was having a repeat c/s so I would do then. Another factor was my age. I was 37 when I had my DD and thought gosh, I don't want to be having another one later on in life. So, after discussion with my OB about PTLS (I did research before my TL and stumbled across this website but didn\'t't really fully understand because of course I had not had it done yet) she informed me that it did not exist. Sooo, had it done. I didn't get my first AF until 6 months after my DD due to breastfeeding, but let me tell you it was a doozie!! I had never experienced something like that before. I just thought, oh well it's the first one post partum and dealt with it. Then I started noticing many more symptoms each month. So, I went searching again on the web and ended up here again. It has come full circle. PTLS does exist and that is why I am having the TR. To add to HisWill questioning whether the guilt or symptoms brought on the regret. For me it was the symptoms then the regret came. After reading about PTLS and it's affects on women, I then felt really BROKEN. I am now not only on a quest to feel better but to feel whole. I have a lot of faith in GOD and definitely feel like He led me back here so I need to do what I know in my heart I need to do. Not only for me but the health and well being of my family. My TR is scheduled for Oct 29th and I am sooooo excited to have it done. I am so glad the we have the Dr.s and staff at CH to help us all heal for whatever reasons we did this for. Thank you all for letting me share my story with you and I enjoyed reading all of yours. Lisa

Posted by HisWill (Member # 12511) on September 25, 2008 11:24 AM:
Lisa that's a great story. I pray the very best for you! I agree with you about symptoms first helping to lead to a feeling of being broken. It bothers me when the reverse is associated...like because we are sad we can't have children, suddenly our bodies are sick. I didn't even REALIZE I had regret until the symptoms of PTLS kept bludgeoning me. God Bless! Andrea

Posted by gotthebabybug (Member # 12913) on September 25, 2008 11:37 AM:
I want to share my experience with TL. I had 2 little ones and divorced my husband. It was a bad situation and I had to get out of that home. I was 14 hours away from family and wanted to stay in the area because of the children. Even if me and their father didn't get along it was no excuse for moving across the country. I stayed and ex remarried and our relationship changed. I actually consider his wife one of my closest friends, strange I know. So that leads my to baby number three. I started a relationship with a co worker big mistake. We eventually moved in together and I thought everything was peachy. He had a daughter from a previous marriage and he just adored her. I mean I never saw a man just love a child so much. He was also good with my boys, taking them out fishing all the time. A year into the relationship we discussed having a child of our own. Well the mere thought of it and bingo bango I was PG. Morning sickness was horrible and a month or 2 into it he tells me he is leaving and he wants me to have an abortion. My ex and his wife took me and the boys in for awhile because I was so sick and in shock. I actually had a discussion about abortion because I was just lost and didn't know what to do. Then I thought to hell with him I can do this on my own. He realized that this baby was coming like it or not. We managed to remain friendly and he went to child birth classes with me and was there for delivery. His mom was there too. He wanted baby to have his last name and I agreed not thinking things through - to hormonal. Anyway during the pregnancy I decided that all men were evil and it was best that I not having anymore children. He brought me and baby home from the hospital and never came around again. I called and asked for some help with support and wanting him in her life. He said he would give me $50.00 a month! I was in college and didn't want to take him to court so I agreed. Well he would call me and say I am in the parking lot come and get your money. Not once did he ask to see her. I called one night and asked for a little extra because I was low on diapers. He showed up with a check and stood in front of me and ripped it in half. What a man. I cried I didn't know what I was going to do. He said take me to court if you want the money. So I did and guess what he said it wasn't his. I think he did this to drag out the process. We had to take a paternity test and viola 99.9% his. This was almost a 2 year process. I finally started getting money and he quit his job, go figure. He then said he wanted visitation just to make me miserable not because he wanted anything to do with this child. I was financially comfortable at this point and really didn't need his money. I told him I will drop all child support if you agree to stay away. He didn't want this child and I didn't want her in an environment that was not good for her. She will be 8 next month and DH is the only daddy she has ever known. He would like to do a step parent adoption but I have fear of contacting her biological father. I did actually sit down and talk to her about him a few weeks ago. I have pictures and video of him at the birth and I want her to know about him. Anyway I know this is a long post. I have matured over the years and I had TL for all of the wrong reasons. I regret it and it has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I am grateful to have found this site and look forward to my TR. Going through this has made me a strong woman who will stand up for what is right. I have faith that this will all work out for me and a baby will bless our family. Kim

Posted by KimSmi (Member # 7996) on September 25, 2008 11:43 AM:
Life is a funny journey and it is best not to look back. I am another person who never regretted my TL. I had it when married to my ex and if I hadn't, we might have had more children together. Though I would not trade my kids for the world, it is best that he and I did not have any others together. I had TR in 2005 and we (me and my current DH) gave 2.5 yrs of our lives to TTC. We made a wholehearted effort to have a baby together. Lots of life changes happened in 2.5 years and we decided we did not want to expand the size of our family, so DH had a vasectomy in January this year. Still no regrets. Each choice we've made has been right for that time in life. Best to everyone.
Kim
TL 5/1999
TR 6/2005
DH-V 1/2008

Posted by jessicad (Member # 12914) on September 25, 2008 12:03 PM:
KimSmi - I really enjoyed reading your post and your statement "Life is a funny journey and it is best not to look back." That really says a lot. I too really have no regrets from getting my TL. Granted, now we're considering the possibility of having a TR, but at the time the TL was what we wanted. Maybe we could have chosen a less "permanent" option, but hey! we did what we felt was right. We never know what the future holds for us.

Posted by hpygrl (Member # 12861) on September 25, 2008 12:38 PM:
I chose to have my TL because I was married to an abusive man and could not imagine bringing another child into that.(I would not change having my DS and DD from that relationship though) But at the time I was not sure that I would survive everything that I was going through and my ex was looking for another reason to tie me to relatioship longer...and he thought another child was it. Any way, this could drag out for ever so I will cut it short. I chose to have my TL with no support from him. My sister was by my side the whole time and supported me more than I could have ever imagined. My GYN did try to talk me into something less permanent, but I was afraid my ex would take that as a sign that I may be planning to leave him one day since he all ready knew I did think that us having more children was a good idea. I did not regret my decision at all until I met a wonderful man and he asked me to marry him. He has no children of his own and initially we were fine with the idea of not having children together. Well, now that time has passed and we have both changed our mind about that I have scheduled my TR for Oct. 27. We are looking forward to TTC and will hopefully be bringing a little one into our family soon!

Posted by in-Gods-hands (Member # 11795) on September 25, 2008 12:48 PM:
gotthebabybug
What a touching story. I am so glad to hear that good or bad you have learned to stand up for what is right. The is what truly learning from your life is. My DH would like to adopt my 2 kids as well. But like you I am not ever looking forward to facing my ex about it all.I wish you all the best as you do what is right for your family. Miranda
TR-3/24/08

Posted by gotthebabybug (Member # 12913) on September 25, 2008 01:21 PM:
Its funny how all of the bad things I went through I some how managed to turn into a positive in my life now. At the time I would never have thought I would be in such a good place in my life. I have been blessed. I am a fighter and I always pull myself back to the top. If I don't get the chance to have another baby I will be fine with that. There are other avenues out there you just gotta look.Kim

Posted by in-Gods-hands (Member # 11795) on September 25, 2008 08:05 PM:
Kim that is so true. I tell everyone, "nothing you want in this life is going to come easy". You have to be a fighter. I wish you all the best and will be praying for you. Miranda

Posted by tjsncj (Member # 12135) on September 26, 2008 07:24 PM:
I do not regret my TL either. I was married at 17 had 3 kids by age 22 and had the TL during the c-section of my last baby. I had always wanted only 3 kids plus they said my uterus was thin and shouldn't have any more so I had the TL. Fast forward 17 years later and me ex left us for a snotty biotch. He definetely deserved what you got, she's a peach and makes him sleep in the basement. Two years later I remarried a younger man that had no children. The whole time after the TL I had no desire to have any more children but after I met him that was the only thing I wanted more than anything - giving him a child. Even though I hadn't wanted anymore I couldn't bear to live with myself if I was the reason he never had children. So we decided to have the TR and if it worked then it was meant to be. It apparently was meant to be because I had my TR on 9-7-05 and had a baby boy on 4-28-07. He came 6 weeks early on his daddy's 32nd birthday. It was rough adjusting to a baby again. My other kids were 21, 19 and 16 at the time. Of course they adore him and just seeing the way DH looks at his son makes it all worth it. I had another TL in October 2007 and I have not regretted that TL either. Good luck to all those that are TTCing. Like JenniferK, I think the journney I am on happened for a reason and he is now clomping around the house in his new shoes, dragging his blanket behind him where ever he goes. JoAnn

Posted by melissa29 (Member # 12929) on September 26, 2008 08:33 PM:
hi everyone i got my TL only seven years ago after my forth child and now im remarried and my husband loves my kids like his own but he really would like one of his own.